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The Best and the Worst of Chief Ronnell A. Higgins' Emails

To the Yale Community,

I write to let you know that a robbery occurred this evening at approximately 11:00 PM on Prospect Street. A Yale student was riding her bike when she tried to do a wheelie and fell flat on her face. Everyone laughed at her and while she was distracted, someone stole her Blackberry Curve 8530. Not only did she lose her phone, but also her dignity. Anyone with any information regarding this incident should immediately call the Yale Police Department and tell me any really funny details I might have missed.

Sincerely,

Ronnell A. Higgins

Chief, Yale University Police

2.

To the Yale Community,

I write to let you know that at about 2:00 AM this morning, a fire occurred at an apartment on York Street. The fire was caused by an aspiring musician playing his mix tape too loudly, and his neighbors burning down the building to stop the horrible noise. As a general reminder, it is important to be skeptical of anyone asking you to listen to their mix tape, and never listen to it alone. Anyone with information regarding the Soundcloud of this musician is urged to keep it to themselves, for everyone's sake.

Sincerely,

Ronnell A. Higgins

Chief, Yale University Police

3.

To the Yale Community,

I write to let you know that offensive signs were seen posted around the Yale campus. Without describing the disturbing details, these flyers were allegedly numerous copies of the posters of every Adam Sandler movie, including Jack and Jill, Grown Ups 2, and even Bedtime Stories. We apologize deeply that we were unable to remove these obscenities before people had seen them. Anyone with any information regarding Adam Sandler's whereabouts should let him know immediately that his movies are very hit and miss, and that Click and 50 First Dates were my favorite.

Sincerely,

Ronnell A. Higgins

Chief, Yale University Police

 

4.

To the Yale Community,

I write to let you know that at approximately 8:30 PM last night there was a robbery. A beautiful woman stole my heart. If you have any information regarding this incident, let everyone know that I think she might be the one for me. I've been looking for a Chiefess to fight crime with, and together we will make New Haven a safer place.

Sincerely,

Ronnell A. Higgins

Chief, Yale University Police

5.

To the Yale Community,

I write to let you know that an assault occurred approximately 11:45 PM last night at the police station. An emotional assault. One unnamed Chief of Police had his heart broken by the love of his life. Anyone having any information about this incident should call the Yale Police Department and tell me what I did wrong. I tried so hard to make it work. As a general reminder, it is important to walk with others in well lit and populated areas, but in my case I have to stick it out alone.

Sincerely,

Ronnell A. Higgins

Chief, Yale University Police

6.

To the Yale Community,

I write to let you know that at approximately 10:30 PM tomorrow night I won't be doing anything. I was planning on ordering a pizza and watching some reruns of The Mentalist, if anyone wants to join. As a reminder, make sure all your doors and windows are be locked. However, my door will be open if you want to hang out or something. I could use the company.

Sincerley

Ronnell A. Higgins

Chief, Yale University Police

dog police

For real though, shoutout to Ronnell Higgins. He's the man keeping everyone safe 24/7 and we know that job can't be easy.

Grant Berland
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