February may be the shortest month, but that doesn’t mean it should get the shortest end of the stick. I mean come on, we already demoted Pluto from planet standing, do we really want to continue to pick on the little guy? Think of what it must be like to be February. You’re right behind January, which is the last month where cold weather is still tolerated. You’re way too close to December, which is like, the pretty popular girl who is also super smart and nice (albeit a little in your face). No one cares about you when the slight warmth of March and April are on the horizon. Long story short (pun intended), you have nothing going for you. But ah, what is that on the horizon? Hope? A chance at redemption? For a months, holidays are their saving grace. November would simply be the last nail in summer’s coffin if it wasn’t for Thanksgiving. February needed something to make it important. And what did we give it? Valentine’s Day. A holiday that definitely destroys more relationships than it enhances. Crushes more souls than it lifts. It’s a day the revolves around proving to the rest of the world how good your relationships is going. Hallmark has all but convinced us that having a significant other in the middle of February is the make-or-break of our lives. But why?! Pretty much every day of every month has some holiday on it, and since Valentine’s Day hasn’t ever gotten anyone out of school, we might as well pick one that doesn’t stress out basically everyone.
1) National Condom Awareness Day: February 14th
This is the same day as Valentine’s Day but has a bazillion times more relevance. Unless you would like your Valen-toad’s Hookup to end in 18+ years of responsibility, condoms are your best friend. Let us rejoice in their existence.
Now you know how condoms are made…hopefully now you don’t have to experience how babies are made.
2) National Almond Day: February 16th
Almonds: the nut of all nuts. Second only to the peanut, almonds are a joyous snack (PUN INTENDED) that we should all jump at the opportunity to celebrate. What’s not to like? There’s almond milk, almond butter, almond cookies, Mexican chocolate almonds from Durfees. The list is truly endless. Who needs heart shaped chocolates when you have magnesium infused legumes. Am I right?
Me when my suitemate catches me eating almonds out of a dining hall bowl in the common room at 1am
3) Drink Wine Day: February 18th
Wine connoisseurs, this is your day. For some reason getting wasted on wine feels a tad bit classier than other alcohols. Well, at least until the wine hangover.
Betty knows what’s up
4) National Cherry Pie Day: February 20th
Pie is great. There isn’t much to say about that. What actually is worth noting is that when searching for “cherry” on my usual gif websites, the results were…how can I put this? NSFW? NSFBL (Not Safe For Bass Library) definitely. I would post an example, but that is not what the Boola is about ladies and gents. That’s some incognito mode stuff.
When did cherry pie stop being this? #PG
5) National Sticky Bun Day: February 21st
There is nothing better than an ooey gooey cinnamon bun. Nothing. Don’t argue with me on this. If my significant other were to make me sticky buns instead of forcing me to make extended eye contact with them at a stuffy restaurant on a random day in February, we would be married at dawn.
Is this food porn inappropriate?
6) International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day: February 23rd
I realize that this seems irrelevant. Wholly irrelevant. But hear me out. Dogs need love too. And by love I mean food. This holiday isn’t about the consumption of dog biscuits, but rather the appreciation of their existence. When dogs get home from a long day in the park, get their leashes unhooked and shake of their layer of outside filth, all they want to do is curl up next to their owner,biscuit in paw, and watch the wall behind the TV.
Where is this self control when the dining hall has chocolate cake?
7) International Polar Bear Day: February 27th
If you know one thing about global climate change, that one thing is that it’s killing Polar Bears. You may not care about the depletion of forests, the disappearance of countless species or island nations becoming fish bowls, but you sure do care about polar bears. Here’s the day we all can celebrate the animal that for some reason everyone loves.
Polar Bears hate when you talk shit.
8) International Sword Swallowers Day: February 28th
Have you ever seen sword swallowing? That stuff takes skill, time, patience. Unlike your Econ PSET, messing up isn’t an option. There are no do-overs. Anyone that risks the intactness of their inner organs just to entertain people at a county fair, are worth celebrating. What’s Valentine’s Day’s entertainment? Huh? Exactly, nada.
Happy Valentine’s Day from The Boola! We are only slightly jealous of any of your intended romantic plans!