Five Easy Steps to Seducing your Professor

Do you want to get an A in a class without having to study? Do you want to blackmail someone in a position of power? Do you want to make class as awkward as possible? Are you just attracted to older authority figures?  If you answered Yes to any of these questions, then follow these quick and easy steps to seducing your professor.


Step 1: Let them know you’re interested, without coming on too strong.


  • Instead of writing your name on assignments, hyphenate their last name to yours.  For example, Grant Berland-Professor. This lets them know you’re interested, but also independent because you’re not taking their last name.
  • In the small spaces between lines in essays, write “You know you want to have an affair with me” in size 1 font. This sends subliminal messages to your professor that you want more than just the teacher/student relationship.
  • If your professor teachers a science class, staple a diagram of both the male and female reproductive systems to every test you take. This is a subtle, yet effective, method to sharing your feelings for them.


Step 2: Be more open with your advances


  • Come to class wearing nothing but a “Make Donald Drumpf Again” baseball cap. They’ll understand the message.
  • Slyly inject them with prescription painkillers whenever you talk to them. Eventually they’ll think that they’re going through love withdrawal, instead of actual withdrawal.
  • Tattoo “Have sex with me right now, Professor” on your forehead, but backwards so it can only be read in a mirror. They won’t be able read it, but due to the way the brain processes information, they will still understand the underlying message.


Step 3: Get some alone time with your professor.


  • Go to their office hours and “accidentally” handcuff yourself to their wrist. When they frantically search for the key you “accidentally” dropped on the other end of the room, stare seductively into their eyes.
  • Release a venomous snake into the classroom under the professor’s desk. When they start having a reaction, inject them with the specific anti-venom that you “just so happen” to carry around with you. (For those adventurous seducers, try sucking out the venom first.)
  • Slash all four of your professors tires. “Coincidentally” show up to their car with four spare tires and change them for your professor, free of charge. They’ll appreciate the gesture, and what professor doesn’t like a handy and resourceful student?


Step 4: Make a move


  • Set your professor on fire. After they Stop, Drop, and Roll, their clothes should be almost entirely burned off, making a perfect opportunity to initiate intercourse.
  • When your professor is talking, wait for them to open their mouth fully. Then, put your entire fist inside. Depending on the size of your professor’s mouth, you can fit more or less fists in. Just make sure you personalize this step to the dimensions of your professor’s mouth. This is VERY subtle, but they will probably understand and reciprocate.
  • Say the exact sentence, “We are going to Sex in 3,2,1…” If you followed all the previous steps, when you reach 1, sex will be activated.


Step 5: Get evidence to blackmail them with later


  • Make sure you intercourse outside. Google Earth will take the pictures for you.
  • Take them on a roller coaster, and time the fornication so it happens on the big drop. You can buy the picture in a key chain for only $9.99.
  • Sex your professor in class, so each and every one of your classmates can act as witnesses.

If you follow all these steps TO THE LETTER, you will be able to seduce your professor in no time!