For whatever reasons, everyone needs a self-esteem pick-me-up now and again. Typically this might look like a long conversation with close friends, a date night with a special someone, or a session with a qualified therapist. All good.
Only problem with those is the relatively low self esteem:time ratio. What if, on top of feeling down, you’re low on time? You need a bigger self esteem bang for your time buck. Here are several ways to make yourself disproportionately proud of yourself in a fairly small amount of time:
- Floss a lot, then go to the dentist
It’s remarkable how much praise your dentist will give you for such a simple task. Probably because they desperately proselytize the gospel of floss to every patient, and less than 1 in 100 actually listens. You’ll feel like you just won the first Olympic gold medal for your relatively-unknown home country.
- Crush your younger sibling at your throwback video game of choice
I recommend Mario Kart, but Super Smash Brothers or Donkey Kong would do just as well. Your inner child’s gleeful victory high translates into an absurd ego boost for adult-you.
- Eat a fruit plate, congratulate yourself
Because you’re healthy! One banana cancels out four insomnia cookies. #science
- Memorize an entire rap song
There’s nothing quite like busting out your rap skills around the people who least expect it. This works particularly well if you’ve already cultivated a reputation for listening to exclusively top 40 music and you memorize something like Tupac or Notorious B.I.G. I’ve found “Good Vibrations” by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch is the easiest to memorize, but you’d be sacrificing a little badassery if that’s the route you choose.
- Take a pregnancy test
Hey, not pregnant!
Disclaimer: does not work if you’re actually pregnant. That could make it worse.
Second disclaimer: if you have a penis and you do this and it turns out positive, it could be a sign of testicular cancer and you should get that checked.
- Get a tinder
You don’t even have to respond to your matches. Eventually your ego will get so big you’ll be surprised when you don’t get a match.
Disclaimer: in my experience, this works best when you are a heterosexual female. Results not guaranteed if you’re not that.
- Clean your room/do laundry
Best procrastinatory technique ever. And your parents thought you’d never amount to anything.
Admittedly, some of these might actually take longer than a date or a therapy session. But I’m just tryna keep it interesting, mmmkay?