By: Ariana Habibi
Oh, Yale. It’s the place where we’ll spend the shortest, gladdest years of our lives. It’s also a place we had to suffer to get into (legacy and wealth-based admissions, notwithstanding). But just because you were a lame academic nerd in high school doesn’t mean that you’ll still be one in college! Just follow these five tips, and you’re guaranteed to be cool at Yale.
Tip 1: Ride a scooter
Look! Down the street! It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a cool Yale student! With the help of a handy-dandy scooter, you’ll be able to zoom past all the pedestrian pedestrians when you go around campus—after all, your time is more important than theirs, anyway. You’ll be the first in the Durfee’s lunch-rush line and somehow the last to the next class because you overestimate how fast the scooter can take you. It’s not a bike, honey—you’re really only going marginally faster than all those walking folks. And if any of those losers make fun of you for parking your scooter outside the dining hall, just thwack your Razor against their ankle. That’ll teach ‘em! Pro tip: you get bonus points if you ride it from the college entryway to the dining hall. Cool kids don’t care about being obnoxious!
Tip 2: Wear an overpriced jacket
Okay, I’m not going to hate on any individual brand in particular—you all know which one I’m talking about. And this particular bird-named brand with a North American demonym gets enough hate. Not to say it doesn’t deserve more hate—I mean, it’s a product of conspicuous consumption that’s built from animal cruelty, so hate all you want. But when you wear one? Oh, you’ll be the coolest kid on the block. I mean, you and the dozen other students you pass while riding your scooter down the block. Keep in mind this only applies when the ‘block’ is somewhere in the vicinity of Yale’s campus, or a similarly overtly-privileged place, or else people will just see you as an asshole. But that’s okay! You’re better than them! And you have the thousand dollar coat to prove it.
Tip 3: Be a Woads scholar
I truly don’t think anyone cares about this, but if there’s one way to be cool, it’s to care about things that no one else does. For some, this is poverty or climate change, but those are too mainstream. Your altruistic devotion is to a good time! Be proud of your love for sweaty spaces and spend $5 every week to get into the best amphibian-themed club in New Haven! And they say money can’t buy happiness.
Tip 4: Get fewer than fifteen hours of sleep per week
Listen, the more time you spend sleeping is just less time you spend doing other things. This includes spending quality time with loved ones, going to the events you marked being “interested” in on Facebook, making summer plans, standing in line to get into Woads, and filling out your McKinsey application. An illustrious and inauthentic cookie-cutter resume is critical to your personal and physical well-being—who cares about a healthy sleep schedule! If you really want to step up your game, just stop sleeping altogether. This way, in case anyone starts comparing how many hours of sleep they got last night, you’ll win!
Tip 5: Write for The Boola
Okay, honestly, this one may have less broad-based appeal than the others, but we’ll think you’re cool! And isn’t our opinion of you all that matters?