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How to Write a Professional Sext

It's 2016. That means that most communication happens over some kind of electronic device. Whereas only a generation ago people would have to use a landline or a fax machine, we have phones and emails that make let us spice up a long distance relationship with sexual texts, which are more commonly known as "sexts." But in this day and age where everything online stays online, it is important that your sext remains professional so that it won't hurt your chances of getting a job in the future. This easy to follow Guide to Sexting will up your sexting game and is guaranteed to leave both you and your partner satisfied, without sacrificing your career aspirations.

1. Start with a sexy salutation.

  • Dearest Lover,
  • To the Naughtiest Sex Partner in Town,
  • Greetings to Your Genitalia!
  • To Whom it may Concern,

2. Include a brief statement introducing your sext, making sure to provide a thesis

  • I am writing to inform you that I am very sexually aroused right now, and hope to instill the same feelings in you.
  • As you are well aware, both of us are in need of immediate sexual relief. It is my intention that through this sext, we can both achieve a satisfactory orgasm.

3. Ask personal questions to show that you're emotionally invested.

  • How are your parents doing?
  • If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
  • The CIA was responsible for the assassination of  James Garfield, right?
  • What is death? What happens when we die?
  • Discuss what makes animals permitted or prohibited in Leviticus 17. Does this help you make any sense of prohibited actions or people in Leviticus 18–19? How useful are the categories of “purity” and “impurity” for speaking about these animals, actions, or people? If they are useful, what do they mean and how are they used? For example, would you say pure and impure refer to “clean” and “unclean”? And if they do, what are the implications of those labels? Do the categories have more than one meaning?
  • Is there a god, and, if so, what is her nature?
  • If everything we feel is just a chemical reaction in our brain, does love even exist in any meaningful way?

4.  Give constructive criticism on how they can improve in their response sext.

  • In your latest sext, your diction was subpar, with a majority of sexual colloquialisms containing only three syllables or less. In the future, please use a thesaurus to improve your sexy vocabulary.
  • Your use of imagery while describing your genitals leaves plenty to be desired.
  • Please do not attach a photo of yourself next time. There is a reason we are sexting and not Skype-Sexing.

5. Give an erotic closing.

  • I hope you enjoyed the sext
  • Best Wishes
  • Moist Regards
  • Sent from my iPenis
  • TO ENSURE COMPLIANCE WITH INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE CIRCULAR 230, WE INFORM YOU THAT ANY U.S. FEDERAL TAX ADVICE CONTAINED IN THIS COMMUNICATION, INCLUDING ALL ATTACHMENTS, IS NOT INTENDED OR WRITTEN TO BE USED, AND CANNOT BE USED, FOR THE PURPOSE OF (1) AVOIDING PENALTIES UNDER THE INTERNAL REVENUE CODE OR (2) PROMOTING, MARKETING OR RECOMMENDING TO ANOTHER PARTY ANY TAX-RELATED MATTER(S) ADDRESSED HEREIN.
    Confidentiality Note: This transmission may contain information which is privileged, confidential, and protected by the attorney-client or attorney work product privileges. If you are not the addressee, note that any disclosure, copying, distribution, or use of the contents of this message is prohibited.
  • ({})

6. Send your sext

  • Post it on their Facebook Timeline if you're not feeling very adventurous.
  • Send it as the text of a Venmo message where you request $0.69 USD from your significant other.
  • If you want a retro sexting experience, hire someone to read the sext aloud in the public square for all the villagers to hear

Grant Berland
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