Yale Petty Complaints

Life in the Ivy Tower isn’t always easy.

 Just a little hair-brained at times. ZINGER!

Okay, that’s kind of a lie, it mostly is. We don’t have to worry about where our next meal will come from (or do we, Yale Dining/administration? Work out your bizness, please), we have access to some of the best academic resources in the world (“some” because Hogwart’s Restricted Section has to clinch the #1 spot), we at least have a bed* (*not applicable if you didn’t buy a mattress pad), roof, and closet in which to store our J. Crew, and, at least until recently, horrible plagues were a thing reserved exclusively for far-off places and times.

Sorry, sorry! That grad student didn’t have Ebola, we promise.

But dammit sometimes we just want to whine. “White whine,” if you’re pale and thus conveyed certain societal advantages like me, or “first-world complaint” if you’re not.

 

Not tryna post-modern segregate here, just giving you colloquial options!

However, (brace yourself for the first white whine!) this campus is so chock-full of social justice that doing so often gets you reprimanded (usually via a judging glare or particularly pointed comment in section). Don’t you know there are people out there who have to walk sixty miles uphill both ways without shoes just to get water for their possibly-terrorist-organization associated relatives who also beat them, before attempting to file formal complaints of sexual assault at largely apathetic universities all the while being silenced by various microaggressions based on race/gender/sexuality?

(me during a lot of these types of conversations)

BEFORE YOU GET MAD, PLEASE READ THE NEXT PARAGRAPH

WAIT WAIT, put down your pitchforks and torches! Those are all very serious problems that I genuinely support solving! Really, I do. So keep fighting the good fight, campus activists.

And keep agreeing with what they’re doing while actually doing nothing, armchair slacktivists

All I’m saying is that sometimes I’d like to gripe about a few things around here that really grind my gears without feeling weird about it. So I’ve taken to the internet, where the worst that can happen is I receive a few anonymous mean comments, which I’ve just realized I can add to this list of petty complaints.

Old Campus Elm Street gate: why are you suddenly locked now?? Are you trying to keep the freshmen in, or the rest of us out? If it’s the former, carry on, but if it’s the latter, consider us offended.

Above: what happens when I try to enter/exit that gate now after it’s been locked

Silliman and every other gate with this problem: why is your swipe lock so far from the gate itself?

CAN’T TALK NOW, GOTTA OPEN THE GATE ON TIME

Payne Whitney : how many floors do you really have? Can you make that more clear? Are you numerically challenged?

We all want to know when we’re there, Payne Whitney

Calhoun: Why do you suck so much?

Proposal for the disposal of Calhoun College

Berkeley dining hall: why you gotta be so crowded all the time?

Pictured: every day past 5:30 PM in the BK dining hall

The cinnamon toast crunch dispenser in the BK dining hall: why was there an infestation of golden grahams last week?

They are not the same thing.

Rumpus: why do I have yet to be featured as a 50 most-er?

My ego hurts every time I see that new edition, Rump

GPSCY: why can’t I get in there? It’s my favorite place. I know if I were a grad student I’d want to keep it to myself, but come on.

Pictured: the undergraduate community. TAKE OUR MONEY, GYPSY

Unlimited dining hall ice cream: why must you be so hard to scoop?

Trying to scoop just a single scoop of ice cream

Yale Printing Services: why does going green mean bringing about students’ financial ruin via printing fees?

Printing anything over five pages

Anyone from QPac, UNH, SCSU, etc: Just…just why?

This is only a weekend hardship, but nothing about it is okay

Professors who assign exorbitant amounts of reading, most of which they wrote themselves: there is, in fact, a limit to how much one person can read in a set amount of time.

We get it, you’re published. Pull your pants back up.

Political groups on campus: why must you constantly intrude on my life with all your activity? They’re climbing in yo entryway, sliding under your door, tryna advertise their partisan opinions so hide your kids, etc.

Pictured: the YPU and their new motto: “We gon’ find you.”

Commons: are you really a dining hall anymore? Please advise, because it’s no longer easy to tell just from outward appearances.

Not pictured: dinner/breakfast in Commons

West Campus: what are you? Do you even go here?

 

How I feel about anyone who studies/works at this alleged “West Campus”

Peter Salovey: why did you ever get rid of that mustache? It was so beautiful…

We’re sorry, we…we need a moment…

Yale Bookstore: why does the addition of a Yale logo mean a 400% price increase?

The standard reaction to most Yale bookstore price tags. Except textbooks 🙁

Morse/Stiles dining halls: why do you not fit in with the rest of Yale’s architecture? Weren’t you supposed to grow some plants on your walls? What happened to that idea? Can we go back to that?

 

But really, Morse and Stiles. Ever want to be included on official tours? Get it together

Yale Secure wireless internet: The authors could not contain their rage about this point long enough to turn their large, grotesque green Hulk-fists back into regular hands in order to type something for this entry. Please enjoy this cartoon approximation of Yale Secure wireless “internet” instead.

yale.edu: why did you have to poop out last weekend? Oh wait…one of our midterms moved because of that.

Any chance of an encore performance around finals?

This list posted without the use of any Yale internet or yale.edu servers.

EDITED BY: HERBERT GILMAN