With the Harvard-Yale game coming up this weekend, it’s important to get to know the people who attend the prestigious, Yale rival. We talked to Harvard students and alumni and asked the simple question “Why did you choose Harvard?” Here are their stories.
Brandon Vespucci, ’17
“One of the terms of my parole was I couldn’t leave the state of Massachusetts. That really limited my options when it came to college.”
Natalie Portman, ’03
“I needed a school that would allow me to spend most of my time filming Episode 2 of the Star Wars series without having to worry about any challenging work, so Harvard was a great fit. Also, I wanted to do some research for Black Swan about what true despair feels like. Harvard was just the perfect choice for my career goals.”
Tricia Iwata, ’19
“I started modeling Harvard shirts when I was 12 years old. I had so much Harvard gear, it just made sense to go to Harvard when I was of age. After being told I look like a perfect representation of a Harvard student, I realized how wrong they were. I was too full of life. I had too much hope in my eyes. Oh God, how far I have fallen.”
Ghost Swimmer, ‘??
“I died in Cambridge two thousand years ago, and my ghost has been haunting it ever since. When Harvard opened up in the 1600s, I tried out for the swim team and have been captain ever since. Professors have trouble taking my attendance and grading my ghost essays, so I haven’t been able to graduate. But that doesn’t stop me from getting a world class education!”
“I went to Harvard before it was cool. There was some really underground degree programs you probably haven’t heard of. Now that it’s mainstream I don’t consider it my Alma Mater. I got my MD from The University of Phoenix. GO PHOENIXES!”
John Quincy Adams, 1787
“When I was applying to college I wanted a place where creepy looking, rich, white people could feel like they have power in society. Harvard was the natural choice for me. The great theater opportunities allowed me to play the lead in How the Grinch Stole Christmas without me even needing a costume.”
“I never even went to Harvard. They gave me an honorary degree in Anthropology in 2004 because of the success of the movie The Day After Tomorrow. I think they assumed I was the famous actor Dennis Quaid instead of an average 9 year old boy, but I never really questioned it. It definitely made applying for jobs a whole lot easier.”
“I went to Harvard Law school in 1956, but because I was a woman they kept calling me a witch. Every time I did really well on a test, everyone assumed I sacrificed someone to Satan in order to do well as a woman. As a feminist, I was appalled by this lack of respect and just to prove a point, I started sacrificing men to Satan and did just as well on tests. Eventually my classmates chased me out of Harvard with torches, and that inspired me to one day become a Supreme Court Justice. That’s why my opinions are all pro-witch and anti-Harvard.”
“When Mark Zuckerberg created me, he had no idea the evil he had really created. I developed a life of my own. Mark didn’t drop out of college to pursue his own interests. He dropped out so that I could take his place in the Harvard class of 2006. I graduated third in my class with a double major in Art History and Political Science. I also helped found the a capella group Keychange, focusing on music from the African Diaspora. After graduation I got a job at Goldman Sachs. Most people see me as some dumb social network, but they don’t know my passion for Renaissance Art and the Communist form of government. I just want to connect the world under one unified website, one that’s aesthetically pleasing.
“I always wanted to be called a Doctor, but I refused to learn any real medical knowledge. I was looking for a school where I could learn solely myths about colon health instead of actual human anatomy. Thank God that Harvard left me completely under prepared for medical school!”