For those of you whose weekends consist of not remembering your weekends, Global Grounds is a sober haven for the non drinkers at Yale. I, as one of those self proclaimed non-drinkers (hi mom!), have spent many a night scavenging the free food assortment (now I’ve got your attention). So let me help you out.
Since I’m pretty sure the only way you would make an appearance at Global Grounds would be drunk (which is highly ironic, which you wouldn’t understand because you’re so schwasted) and in search of anything edible, let me make your trip a little less awkward for the poor souls who dedicate their Friday and Saturday night to running GG (ya’ll are the real MVPs). Your mission is to get in and out without causing a scene. You need to know what to look for. That’s where I – and this list of snacks at GG, from worst to best – come in.
I got you. Teamwork!
1. Those circular disk cookie things: What the hell are those? They aren’t even crunchy. The worst thing in the world is biting into something and expecting it to crunch, but instead your teeth sink down into weird chewiness. I’m sure sitting in a quaint coffee somewhere in Europe would make these things taste infinitely better, but this is America, and in America we like synchrony between appearance and texture, thank you very much.
They are called Anise Pizzelle. I’m sorry if this is the food of your people, but cold, thin, waffles shouldn’t exist
2. Potato chips: BEFORE YOU FREAK HEAR ME OUT! Potato chips are amazing, but they are also fragile. Oh, so fragile. Within minutes a large bowl of wonderful sour cream and onion chips turn into picked over remnants of a previously good snack. If anything at Yale has Ebola, besides the Toad’s dance floor, it’s that potato chip bowl by the middle of the night. Everyone has gone for it using their hands. Everyone. Its disgusting.
This isn’t and never will be ok.
3. Animal Crackers: ok so normal animal crackers are totally fine. But the ones at global grounds always seem to be soft, like they were merely hours past their expiration date. Again, nothing is worse than expecting crunch and getting chew. Literally nothing.
Proposed disposal method for Global Grounds animal crackers
4. Pita and Hummus: this is a great snack…in the comfort of your own room. Alone (or with select friends). Public dipping sauces are not something you want to involve yourself with. How many people have double dipped? How many people have accidentally put the tips of their fingers into the hummus while dipping? How many chips were touched when that dude in front of you grabbed a handful? It’s just so unclear. You don’t need that kind of ambiguity in your life.
Exclusively a solo activity
5. Wasabi Peas: I personally have no beef with Wasabi Peas, so their place on this countdown is purely based on the fights they’ve started with my friends (you know what they say: chicks before spicy peas). They say they’re too hot. That kind of hot that sneaks up on you without warning and making you spit green food bits across the room, directly in front of your crush. Touche Wasabi Peas, touche.
Christian Bale, on the other hand, can eat as many wasabi peas as he wants
6. Tootsie Pops: the outside cuts your tongue and the middle looks like poo and tastes like the color brown. Nothing good comes from these.
The real reason this guy eat them so quickly: contractually obligated to do so, gulps them down quickly to get through it
7. The Tea/Lemonade/Water: I know this isn’t technically a snack, but nothing quenches literal thirst like a powdered lemonade. You’ll get your metaphoric thirst quenched at Toad’s later that night.
Not recommended: the direct-lemonade approach
8. Mini Muffins: You remember those muffins. The ones that came two in a plastic wrap with a bunch in a box. They were the cherry on top of your fifth grade lunch. God knows how many chemicals it took to keep those little things from molding for months at a time, but did you care then? No. Do you care now, even knowing the consequences of consuming large quantities of highly manufactured foods?
Nope. Eat on.
9. Mini Brownies: I know these are made by the same company that makes the above muffins. So why do they get their own number? Because they’re wonderful, that’s why. Chewy (purposefully!), chocolatey and processed to the point of questioning if these can be defined as “food.” They turn to chocolate goo in your mouth. You should probably discontinue any conversation while eating these, not that it’s hard, these things are too delicious to conversate over.
Just be quiet and appreciate
10. Leftover Baked Goods: Ok so I admit the word leftover is usually not a great thing. But let me tell you, nothing makes me happier (which is actually kind of sad, now that I think about it) than walking into Global Grounds at precisely 10pm (their opening time), and seeing a spread of partially eaten pies and cookie trays. I deduced that there was some Yale activity-thing that happened earlier and the remnants of that catering was sent to Global Grounds to bless my night. It truly is a gift. So skip the pregame…So, go late to the pregame with a little more alcohol sopping substances, aka food, in your stomach.
Your drunk-text-less iPhone will thank you in the morning.
I hope more of you are inspired to go to Global Grounds now. Or I hope you’re not, because then there will be fewer leftover baked goods for me….oh dear….