At Yale, there seems to be an infinite amount of extracurricular activities that you can join, ranging from political groups to singing to writing. Even though there are so many clubs and activities to choose from, there are still some things that Yale just hasn’t gotten right yet.
1) The Sims Reenactment Group. This performance art group will go around New Haven waiting for someone to tell them exactly what to do. They need to follow every command given to them, until they have to pee, in which case they ignore all orders and pee on the floor, then pass out in the puddle. It’s a great way to not only learn more about what other people are really like, but what is inside yourself.
2) Green Card Matchmaking Club. With around 19% of Yale students being international, there is a high demand for international students looking to marry Americans for the requisite two years in order to get a green card. What we desperately need is a safe space for international students looking for a fraudulent marriage and Americans looking for an international spouse that legally has to stay with them for at least two years. It’s a great club for similar minded students to come together and bridge the cultural gap through a felony.
3) Adopt-A-New-Havener. There are a lot of opportunities for Yale students to give back to the New Haven community, but this Community Service Organization is a little bit different. In this one, you literally adopt a New Haven resident. It is a lot of responsibility to feed them and house them, but it is incredibly rewarding and I’m pretty sure you can get a tax break from it. Being a parent is one of the most special experiences of life, and what better way to become a parent then by adopting someone from New Haven?
4) Future Urologists of America. There is nowhere for all those Yale students interested in a lifetime of Phallic and Urinary Tract Studies to come together and make those dreams a reality, and that needs to be remedied.
5) Shia Labeouf Movie Viewing Society. Yale needs a society dedicated to making sure that, at all times, a Shia Labeouf is playing somewhere on campus. Members take shifts monitoring and watching every single Shia Labeouf movie on repeat, not letting Yale experience one second without Shia Labeouf. Whether it’s Transformers or Transformers 2, the world needs more Shia Labeouf. And we are here to give it to them.
6) The Sasha Pup Fanclub. Every Yalie loves Sasha, but there’s no real way to express this admiration besides liking her Overheard at Yale posts or holding her in a profile picture. What we need is a club where we all get together, don our best Sasha fur-suit and go out into the woods for a day of dog appreciation, and maybe invite some furry group to join in on the fun.
7) The Hunger Games. Yale students are some of the best leaders in the world, and that leadership is needed to plan a violent death match between the 12 colleges to see which college will be superior this year. You might think it would be easy to supply 24 unwilling college students with weapons and leave them alone in the woods to murder each other until only one is left, but there is so much planning involved that only a handful of creative-minded, independent thinkers with can-do attitudes can pull it off.
8) A 57th a Capella group. God knows Yale doesn’t have enough of them. Maybe this one only sings traditional folk songs with a heavy metal twist? It really doesn’t matter. Hundreds of singers will audition for it anyway.
9) Professional Stripper Association. College is hard, and the Student Income Contribution doesn’t make it any easier. Some Yale jobs are really competitive, so some people have decided to take up stripping to pay their way through college. This isn’t something to be ashamed of, but something to celebrate. The PSA is essential in teaching future strippers how to pole dance, how to keep their bodies in shape, and how to fake having bigger private parts than you actually have, which is very useful for the men in the PSA.