Takeaways from the first Presidential Debate

This Monday night I downed seven cups of coffee and headed over to the Trumbull dining room to watch what is perhaps the last first presidential debate. The following are several key takeaways.




  1. Sasha Pup’s donated fur successfully covered the bald spot on Trump’s head
  2. The joke “You need de-bate to catch the fish” is still not appreciated
  3. Candidates decide employing people to go around placing money in other people’s pockets will solve America’s job crisis
  4. Majority of Americans decide they would rather be looking at JFK’s facejfk-young
  5. Viewers puzzled by lack of corporate advertising during debate despite Citizens United
  6. All the questions about jobs would have meant more to me if I had a job
  7. “Trumped Up” Pun Confirms Puns Still “Punny”
  8. I really procrastinated getting my Ancient Philosophy readings donepurrcrastinating
  9. Harambe, Deez Nuts, and Jill Stein are all barred from the debate by NBC
  10. Gary Johnson’s poll numbers increased .01% after he was found passed out with a blunt and face down in a copy of The Fountainheadgary-johnson-0-1-2016-dude
  11. My love life would be going better if I was simply more outgoing with women
  12. Trump sniffles throughout debate to mock Clinton’s own illness
  13. Candidates decide to invest in clean, low energy Jeb Bushjeb-bush
  14. Steve Jobs’ estate failed to seize opportunity to charge candidates every time they said the word “Jobs”
  15. Hillary Clinton can be blamed for my failed love life, and your’s toohillary-yes-nod
  16. Trump criticized for attacking appearance of bubbles as “big, fat, ugly”
  17. All 33,000 missing Clinton emails revealed to be spam from Trump Universityhillary-clinton-emails
  18. “Loophole” is not a euphemism
  19. Trump brags about “great assets” while waving tiny handsdonald-trump-small-hands
  20. Criminal Justice does NOT refer to the anticipated failure of DC’s Justice League movie
  21. “Stiffed” also is not a euphemism
  22. Debate Winner: Dick Wolf, who received free advertising for “Law and Order” during discussion on race relations in U.S.trump-law-and-order
  23. Implicit bias outed: now explicit
  24. “Stop and Frisk” not a euphemism, but is unconstitutional
  25. Trump finally admits to giving birth to Obama
  26. Still no appearance of shirtless Putin at debate
  27. According to Clinton, meme mobilization is essential to defeating ISIS
  28. The vacuum created by Obama and Clinton in the Middle East failed to clean up all the sandcat-vacuum
  29. Trump claims he is “The [Yale] Record” regarding his record of supporting the Iraq War: The Boola remains untarnished
  30. In major breakthrough, candidates agree nuclear bombs more likely to kill us before global warming.
  31. George W. Bush’s pronunciation of “nuclear” is missed by Democrats, Republicans, and you
  32. I need to work on my political satirei-see-you-and-your-bullshit
  33. Clinton says America’s word is “good”: “Freedom” and “bacon” runners-up
  34. Trump argues stamina is more important than looks; my ex-girlfriend disagreeshillary-clinton-stamina
  35. DeLorean sales skyrocket after Clinton says the future depends on our voteback-to-the-future-white-hair-dude