This Monday night I downed seven cups of coffee and headed over to the Trumbull dining room to watch what is perhaps the last first presidential debate. The following are several key takeaways.
- Sasha Pup’s donated fur successfully covered the bald spot on Trump’s head
- The joke “You need de-bate to catch the fish” is still not appreciated
- Candidates decide employing people to go around placing money in other people’s pockets will solve America’s job crisis
- Majority of Americans decide they would rather be looking at JFK’s face
- Viewers puzzled by lack of corporate advertising during debate despite Citizens United
- All the questions about jobs would have meant more to me if I had a job
- “Trumped Up” Pun Confirms Puns Still “Punny”
- I really procrastinated getting my Ancient Philosophy readings done
- Harambe, Deez Nuts, and Jill Stein are all barred from the debate by NBC
- Gary Johnson’s poll numbers increased .01% after he was found passed out with a blunt and face down in a copy of The Fountainhead
- My love life would be going better if I was simply more outgoing with women
- Trump sniffles throughout debate to mock Clinton’s own illness
- Candidates decide to invest in clean, low energy Jeb Bush
- Steve Jobs’ estate failed to seize opportunity to charge candidates every time they said the word “Jobs”
- Hillary Clinton can be blamed for my failed love life, and your’s too
- Trump criticized for attacking appearance of bubbles as “big, fat, ugly”
- All 33,000 missing Clinton emails revealed to be spam from Trump University
- “Loophole” is not a euphemism
- Trump brags about “great assets” while waving tiny hands
- Criminal Justice does NOT refer to the anticipated failure of DC’s Justice League movie
- “Stiffed” also is not a euphemism
- Debate Winner: Dick Wolf, who received free advertising for “Law and Order” during discussion on race relations in U.S.
- Implicit bias outed: now explicit
- “Stop and Frisk” not a euphemism, but is unconstitutional
- Trump finally admits to giving birth to Obama
- Still no appearance of shirtless Putin at debate
- According to Clinton, meme mobilization is essential to defeating ISIS
- The vacuum created by Obama and Clinton in the Middle East failed to clean up all the sand
- Trump claims he is “The [Yale] Record” regarding his record of supporting the Iraq War: The Boola remains untarnished
- In major breakthrough, candidates agree nuclear bombs more likely to kill us before global warming.
- George W. Bush’s pronunciation of “nuclear” is missed by Democrats, Republicans, and you
- I need to work on my political satire
- Clinton says America’s word is “good”: “Freedom” and “bacon” runners-up
- Trump argues stamina is more important than looks; my ex-girlfriend disagrees
- DeLorean sales skyrocket after Clinton says the future depends on our vote
