Coming back to school after fall break is hard. Like, really hard. By now, the glamor of Yale has firmly worn off for all you starry-eyed freshmen. If you spend most of your time curled up in the fetal position hugging pictures of your family and crying, help is on the way! Here are seven tips that will make you forget how much you’d rather be at home, eating your grandma’s cookies.
- Call your professor Mom or Dad.
If doing this to their face is too intimidating but you’re feeling starved for parental contact, whisper it longingly as they walk away from you in a two-hundred-person lecture. Pretty soon they’ll be grounding you and interrogating you about your love life! Ah, just like home.
- Make your own cozy backyard by choosing a spot on Old Campus and fencing it off.
Pick a spot that’s nice and grassy and set up a literal white picket fence. If you can, bring in a George Foreman grill and act out your very own Family Barbecue night! So what if the people passing by are giving you strange looks? Your imaginary dad makes the best hamburgers!
- Steal a golden retriever and deposit it in said yard.
What says wholesome family living space more than a golden retriever? Besides being literal angels sent to earth, they are so friendly they probably won’t even mind that you’ve kidnapped them.
- Pretend your Big Sib is your actual sibling.
Obviously, this starts with calling them by your sibling’s name, but why stop there? You want the authentic annoying brother/sister experience. Pester them about their social life! Put toothpaste in their shampoo! Punch them in the face, and tell them they’re “tattling” if they complain!
- Leave your shit all over the common room like it’s your actual house.
Let’s be real, you’ve probably already descended to this point. Your suitemates haven’t come home in a week because they hate you. It’s okay though, because now they remind you more of your real family!
- If you can’t find something, just yell “MOM” in a loud, frustrated voice.
Add in an expectant look and angry sigh, and she’s sure to materialize from thin air and find your socks for you! Something about motherly intuition, I guess.
- Make your roommate tuck you into bed each night.
After a couple of rounds of uncontrollable sobbing and calling for your mother, your roommate’s sure to get the message. If they refuse to pull back the covers for you, read you a bedtime story, and kiss you goodnight, they’re not fit to be your replacement family.