Another year, another round of Boola Fall Horoscopes (check out last year’s here). What do the fates have in store for you this semester? Read on for questionable predictions and slightly inaccurate advice for your life in the upcoming months.
Aries: Looking for a fall romance? Find a cute little coffee shop, settle down with a romantic novel, and stare intensely at every semi-attractive person who wanders your way. Eventually, someone will get the message. Or the barista will kick you out. Either way, human interaction!
Taurus: Midterm season is upon us! You have nothing to look forward to except hours in Bass, cursing the gods of academic success and wondering if the world outside still exists. It does, but your life still sucks.
Gemini: Sometime mid-October, people will discover you for the two-faced snake you are. Embrace your fakeness. Live for the drama.
Cancer: You’re a sensitive soul, and that means you might be especially prone to seasonal sadness during these dreary months. Pretend that you’re actually in a tropical paradise. Grab your swimsuits and sunbathe on Old Campus. You might get pneumonia and a lot of weird looks, but it’s totally worth it.
Leo: Confused about what you should be for Halloween? So are we. We don’t actually know what you should dress up as. Why are you taking advice from this abstract internet entity? Who even are you?
Virgo: This fall, it’s time to embrace the real you. On midnight of October 31st, shed your human skin and perform a ritualistic dance in Grove Street Cemetery. Your new skeleton friends will help you convince your mom that it’s not just a phase.
Libra: Fall is a time for new beginnings! Dye your hair, take a new class, change your name, abandon your identity and start life over in a random European country. Be spontaneous!
Scorpio: People who think you’re “intense” and “scary” and “probably a witch” don’t know the real you. Give them the chance to get to know you better by inviting them to your next coven get together!
Sagittarius: Remember that fever dream you had where an orange oompa-loompa whose primary talent seems to be blinding people with his spray tan was running for president? Yeah, that wasn’t a dream. I’m so sorry.
Capricorn: If you don’t know who the section asshole is, it’s probably you. Please rein yourself in before the TA and your classmates start plotting your murder.
Aquarius: This fall, the number of times you tell someone that you want to get a meal with them and don’t mean it will build up and you will literally spontaneously combust from all the lies. Either learn to be more sincere or accept your impending death.
Pisces: If you’re disappointed with your Pottermore quiz results, look on the bright side! Your patronus might be a salmon, but at least your zodiac sign is a…fish. Hmm.