In case you didn’t cotton on to the joke: on Monday, the Yale Daily News released their annual spoof issue, in which they publish whatever funny shit occurs to their staff at 2:00 AM while likely a little bit tipsy and stuffed with donuts and/or insomnia cookies. It’s their annual celebration of the election of a new set of editors, which mostly means the old editors get the chance to gleefully indulge in a little high-profile schadenfreude, taking the piss out of anything and anyone they see fit (their fellow staffers included).
AAHHAHAAHAHA, WE HATED COVERING YOUR RIDICULOUS EVENTS THIS WHOLE TIME, YPU! TAKE THAT!
It may surprise you to know that I – purveyor of the pithy, the preposterous, and the pointless that I am – frequently rub shoulders with some particularly prominent people from our campus’ most persnickety, punctilious publication (AKA I lived across the hall from her freshmen year, boom friends).
The night of the production and printing of this periodical (I’ll stop now), I was having dinner with said friend, during which she unabashedly picked my and our friends’ brains for joke story ideas. I, self-entertainer that I am, rattled off several titles, and one or two of them ended up in the YDN’s joke issue in some form.
Thanks so much for the external validation, YDN! *wipes away tear*
But that’s not enough to placate my sensitive ego, YDN. Not enough at all. I appreciated the pointed “Commons is becoming little more than a decorative shell” reference, and I always love a good jab aimed at the Yale Political Union. But my ego is still bruised, so I’m taking to my own publication to make sure everyone gets the chance to laugh with me.
So here it is: all the funny shit I failed to print in the YDN.
See you never, YDN
1. US army mixes up aircraft, sends football to ISIS
“In what should’ve been a more shocking gaffe, on Saturday the US army mixed up two aircraft, which resulted in the near-destruction of the Yale Bowl and the first-ever military strike against a terrorist group consisting of a single American football.
The error was found to be the responsibility of a drunk Quinnipiac alum interning for the US Department of Defense. Witnesses say he muttered something about revenge for the 2013 NCAA hockey championships.
ISIS – the new owners of the football – could not be reached for comment, although satellite cameras captured a few members of the group tossing the ball around after appearing to vote on whether or not touching the pigskin was acceptable.”
I’m sorry, I’ll show myself out now.
2. Slow dancing voted to be a permanent fixture on cross campus
“To the collective confusion of most of campus and the outrage of tourists looking for that money shot of Sterling Library, the ‘slow dancing’ exhibit on cross campus was voted to be a permanent fixture last Tuesday. Members of the Yale Community had a variety of opinions on the vote.
‘Good, I needed a cheap romantic date, and my girlfriend loves that shit,” said Tim Smith ‘15.
‘Who are these people voting on these things? And why do we give them that power?” queried a very confused Marshall Williams ‘18.
‘Oh, those exist? I hadn’t noticed,’ said every Timothy Dwight resident we interviewed.”
Technically a version of this made it into the paper, but I liked mine better. #whatever
3. Yale dining goes rogue, contracts Taco Bell to supply all campus food
“Fed up with the new dining system, on Wednesday Yale dining workers voted to outsource all food production to the local Taco Bell. The next morning, witnesses reportedly saw long-time Silliman head chef Stuart Comen mutter ‘fuck the bastards’ before slopping a pile of soft-shell tacos into a serving tray at 7:15 AM.”
4. Beinecke gray-scale rubix cube finally solved
“After years of dedicated work, an anonymous puzzle aficionado has finally completed the Beinecke gray-scale rubix cube, President Peter Salovey announced in an email to members of the Yale Community last Friday.
‘The aesthetic choice of constructing this building has been a point of contention on campus for many years now,’ Salovey said in the email. ‘But now that it’s finally complete, I expect all that hullaballoo will die down. Just look at it!’
While the identity of the puzzlemaster remains an official mystery, YDN reporters walking back to their dorms at 3:23 AM last Tuesday reportedly saw former Yale president Rick Levin spastically running around the Beinecke, hands on his head and laughing maniacally in apparent shock and disbelief, while babbling something about “finally being worthy” of an invitation letter to join Mensa.”
5. The dead have finally been raised, Grove Street cemetery reports
“In what appears to be confirmation of the zombie-apocalypse prophecy written on the gates of the Grove Street cemetery, last Sunday saw a mass reanimation of thousands of corpses interred there.
‘It’s about damn time!’ said Chairman of the Friends of Grove Street Cemetery John M. Edwards. ‘Do you realize how close we were to just digging up the bastards ourselves? We only have so much space here!’
Students are advised to stay in their locked dorms until further notice.”
6. Michael Herbert shares net ID and password with student body
“In a continued effort to be more personable than his predecessors, YCC President Michael Herbert shared his net ID and password in an email to the student body last Thursday.
‘I’m just tryna stay hip with the youths, ya dig?’ quipped Herbert about the move.”
Actual footage from Herbert’s campaign
7. Professor George Chauncey comes out as straight
“In an apparent reaction to finally tying the knot with his longtime partner, Professor Ron Gregg, this last summer, George Chauncey, famed historian of the queer community and former expert witness on several related Supreme Court cases, announced during a lecture on Tuesday that he is actually straight.
‘I was giving this lecture in my US Lesbian and Gay History class, and I realized I just couldn’t hide it anymore,’ Chauncey said of the spontaneous decision. ‘I really do care about this community of which I’ve been a part for so long, but I can’t continue to operate there while also lying about my own identity. It didn’t feel right.’
Ron Gregg was last seen in the basement of 168 York staring blankly at the wall and nursing a martini. He declined to comment.”
8. Robert Frost’s statements about Yale redacted
“Several of Robert Frost’s distant relatives stopped by President Peter Salovey’s office on Monday to officially redact his statements about the unparalleled beauty of Hillhouse Avenue and Branford College.
At their monthly meeting the same day, Yale tour guides were in a state of chaos apparently brought on by sudden psychological distress.”
^ Head Yale tour guide upon hearing the news.
9. Pi Phi hosts diversity drive
“Recruits a redhead.”
ZINGER. Nailed it!
Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. I’ll be here until May 2016 (wink wink, YDN).