Several Saturday nights ago was Trumbull College’s dance, affectionately known as “Trumball” (a clever pun on the name Trumbull and the word ball, as in a dance). The Trumball dance has since been documented on various social media sites, from embarrassing Facebook photographs your dad has already shared, to Instagram posts with the caption “Trumballin’” (a clever pun on the Trumball pun that now references the phrase “ballin’”, or to be having a good time). Although social media posts are never misleading, I will now suggest five tips for how to have the best time at your residential college’s own dance.
- If you were set up with someone by your suitemates, avoid introducing yourself to your date as “I’m So Sorry, Please Don’t Be Disappointed”
It is likely that your suitemates will try to “screw” you by setting you up with a blind date of their choice. When first meeting your date, try not to let your social anxiety and deep-seeded feelings of insecurity prevent you from making a stellar first impression. Because your second impression is sure to start seeing things go downhill, and fast.
- Only eat one Nutella crepe at a time, regardless of how many you could fit in your mouth
Personally, I can fit five. Regardless, it is important not to over-stuff your face with delicious h'orderves. Especially ones that result in Nutella being squirted all over your date’s outfit.
- Rocking back and forth in fetal position on the dance floor is not part of the Cupid Shuffle
After going to the right and to the left, you will be instructed to walk it by yourself. The mention of being “by yourself” may stir feelings of isolation and loneliness. However, do not let this distract you from continuing the dance. Contrary to popular belief, doing the fetal position rock is not part of the song.
- Discuss sex and your sexual shortcomings with your date in-detail
Clear communication about sexual expectations and consent is critical to any relationship. Equally important is the provision of an environment in which no one feels pressured to engage in any sexual activity they do not want to partake in. Naturally, it is therefore in your best interest to discuss sex at length with your date, while continually reminding them that you are quite awful in bed so they do not feel pressured.
- After your date inevitably leaves you, spend the night watching The Princess Bride alone in your suite.
Experience true love in the only way you ever will: through the romance between Buttercup and Westley in The Princess Bride. Try not to notice when all your suitemates retreat to their rooms with their dates, and instead focus on Inigo Montoya’s quest for revenge against the man who killed his father.