October has officially arrived, which means that Thanksgiving is basically here, and soon it will be the holiday season. Which means lots of gift giving. I’ve never considered myself to be the most creative when it comes to presents, so luckily for me, I have the old standby of the Yale bookstore, where the motto is “slap a Yale logo on it and BOOM! 100% increase in coolness, 400% increase in price.” I’ve already given my family advanced warning that this Christmas they will be receiving Yale sweatshirts, t-shirts, baseball caps, and maybe even a bumper sticker if I get really caught up in the holiday spirit.
But after perusing the Yale bookstore’s impressive online selection, I realized that my browsing had not been in-depth enough. Undoubtedly, you feel the same way. (Unless you also wasted time playing with the High to Low price settings to see what beautiful Yale swag popped up.) Luckily, I’ve done my research, and I’m here to present your ultimate, Boola-approved gift-giving guide for the holiday season. In no way has Barnes and Noble requested this promotion, but if they’d like to recompense me for my efforts, I take cash or check.
Yale Bulldogs Carriage Mantle Clock, $229.98
Tells you the time and reminds you of your elevated socioeconomic status
If you know someone whose mantle has been looking particularly bare lately (don’t we all), this is the perfect gift. The website’s description says the following: “Rosewood clock with Yale University logo. Show Yale spirit in a major way.” First off, rosewood? I have fairly limited knowledge of the merits of various types of wood, but even I know that at just over $200 a rosewood clock is a goddamn bargain. Honestly, buy this before Barnes and Noble realizes they’ve marked the price wrong. And who knew that the best way to show Yale spirit was via mantle clock? I certainly didn’t.
Peterboro Lunch Basket, $89.98
Practical and plebeian-repelling!
You can only buy this online, so you’re welcome. Granted, once the sky goes gray and New Haven freezes over for the winter, you probably won’t be eating outdoors as often as you would during picnicking season. But once the snow melts away, you will be the most prepared picnic goer around. Don’t be the plebeian who rolls up to your Cape Cod picnics toting your Pinot Noir and caviar in–God forbid–a regular bag. Save yourself and your loved ones that embarrassment. Picnic basket? Recommended. Yale seal? Required.
Yale Money Clip, $21.98
Any bill amount less than $20 immediately bursts into flame upon contact with this clip
The perfect stocking stuffer. This gold-plated brass money clip does a great job of discouraging the stereotype of Ivy League elitism. But it does an even better job of keeping your Benjamins folded neatly together. 5/5 stars.
Yale Bulldogs Vineyard Vines Silk Tie, $65.00
All members of the YPU’s Party of the Right just collectively orgasmed
Oh, Vineyard Vines. I knew I’d find you if I looked hard enough. Old reliable VV has your back once again here with the perfect gift (100% silk!) for your more suited-up friends and relatives. And once again, the Barnes and Noble website description reads: “Dress up with Yale spirit.” This tie, old sport, is the epitome of Yale spirit. Don’t even think about showing up to the Yale-Harvard game in a slumpy sweatshirt or t-shirt. You must be wearing this tie along with a monocle, top hat, and cane, à la Mr. Peanut.
Boston Rocker with Black Solid Maple Hardwood, Cherry Finished Arms and Crown, $494.98
Good for naps, plotting revenge, and boring your grandchildren with tales from your youth
Don’t forget about your elderly friends and relatives! This Boston rocker is the finest piece of woodworking this side of the Mississippi. Ron Swanson would be drooling over the maple hardwood. (I assume. As I said, I know relatively little about the merits of different types of wood). And if rocking chairs are a bit too lavish for your personal aesthetic, for only $524.98, you can buy this same exact chair, but without the ability to rock. That’s right, for just $30 more, you can have less chair.
Essentially the same chair as before, now with less functionality!
Wine Chiller in Black Marble, $99.98
Because white marble is for the lower classes
A bit niche perhaps, but no better present for your wine connoisseur friends or for your personal sommelier (we all know how hard it can be to shop for them). Don’t drink room temperature Sauvignon Blanc. Keep it chilled and classy, just how Elihu Yale would have wanted it.
Crystal Whiskey Decanter, $54.98
Knowledge of the definition of “decant” is a prerequisite for purchasing this item
A good present for your classy alcoholic friends. People will be too in awe of the gorgeous Yale seal to remember the intervention they had planned.
The New Residential Colleges, $56,000,000,000 each
That’s right. What better way to express your affection for your loved ones than by buying them a college, complete with dorms, dining hall, and buttery? If you order before December 1, Barnes and Noble will include Timothy Dwight college, free of charge.
Peter Salovey’s Moustache, $89,000,000,000
Relic of a legend.
Peter Salovey’s Moustache, Autographed, $90,000,000,000
Relic of a legend, signed by a legend.
Japanese Chopsticks, $8.98
The Bookstore’s attempt at diversity
No lie, this is definitely what I’m getting my little sister for Christmas. Happy holidays, Yale!