Shoutout to Pierson’s frocos this year. On point.
Unfortunately, that is a romance that is far from meant to be. For that reason, I am here for you. You may cry on my shoulder if you wish; I find staring out the window in a dark room while listening to Alice in Chains to be particularly therapeutic. But for those of you for whom that would not work, I advise you take a more proactive course of action and follow this step-by-step guide to shake yourself of the curse– I mean, crush.
STAGE ONE: DENIAL
This stage is not recommended – but since it’s inevitable, I’ll include it anyway. This is the phase where you try to deny that they’re not even that cute, and who even cares if they are?! These first steps are usually along the lines of:
- His eyes aren’t that dreamy
But aren’t they? THIS ISN’T HELPING
- They’re supposed to be like your older sibling, so that’s kinda weird, right?
Wait, that’s not a deterrent at all!
STAGE TWO: ACTIVE RESISTANCE
This is the phase where you realize that denial is futile, but that resistance totally isn’t. You acknowledge that they’re cute and worthy of your liking, and that acknowledgement makes you fight all the harder to make your feelings go away. Such fighting tactics usually include:
- Just imagine him in his underwear
Oh, no! He’s hot!
- Imagine every compliment he gives you to be coming from an old lady
“Purple is really your color” is much less flirty when she says it.
- Imagine how awkward froco group events would be if things went wrong
Fireside Chats would be even more unbearably tense than they already are.
- Remember how you felt towards 9th graders last year?
Yeah… that’s you now, buddy.
- Just envision your section asshole every time you see him
Yes, the one that said “proletariat” six times in the same comment.
STAGE THREE: RESIGNATION
By this point, all your active resistance has just made you sink deeper into the quicksand of sadness until you’ve hit the very bottom. At this phase, you are finally forced to acknowledge all the practical reasons why you should stop crushing on your froco, and all the reasons that they’re definitely not gonna be crushin’ on you. These reasons include:
- By virtue of his position, he’s literally forbidden to hook up with you
And not the sexy kind of forbidden, either.
- He’s graduating next year, sooo…
This isn’t High School Musical. It isn’t gonna happen.
- Most likely, the only thing you have in common is your residential college
And one thing in common is not nearly enough to talk about.
- Everyone in the froco group would find out (and the other frocos would too)
And they would judge, man. They would judge.
STAGE FOUR: MOVING FORWARD
There are cute Yalies on your left and on your right. Get out there and get fishin’! Or stay single because you don’t need nobody to justify and affirm your awesomeness. But just in case you do want to see what’s happenin’ out there in the world of sexy people, I have one piece of advice for you: go to a RB Show.