College is a time of transition, identity crises, reevaluation, and decisions. It is truly the limbo of the young adult’s life– thrust out of the warm embrace of childhood into a confusing four-year purgatory full of choices whose far-reaching consequences you cannot even begin to fathom. But lighten up! You aren’t the only one feeling overwhelmed — we all are, so settle in and prepare to be comforted by some meaningful advice.
1. You will get really stressed out when it comes to balancing classwork, extra curricular activities, and a social life. Don’t let it get to you. College only last four years, which isn’t a long time. Everything will change when you wake up from your coma and realize your entire college experience was a hallucination due to brain trauma. Enjoy it while you can.
2. You will look around and think that everyone has their life together except for you. And it’s true.
3. Everyone has that moment where you realize your roommate was actually a homeless person pretending to be a college student. But you don’t have to let it define you.
4. Sometimes the dining hall will run out of 2 percent milk, and that’s OK. There is always tomorrow.
5. No matter how hard you try, the relationship between you and your professor’s grandparents will not last. Sure it might be fun at first and a great way to handle the transition to college life. But all good things must come to an end, so just be prepared for the heartbreak. There are plenty of fish in the sea.
6. Don’t stress about that one homework you forgot to do or that midterm you completely bombed. That’s not what’s important. Instead stress about things that really matter, like all your negative qualities and the 1648 Peace of Westphalia.
7. Make time to call your parents to thank them for everything they’ve done for you. But don’t let them know what an ungrateful piece of shit you really are. You still need money from them.
8. You don’t need to go out every night. Take some time for yourself. Instead of drinking or going to a party, spend some time in your room relaxing. Catch up on some schoolwork. Make a full body skin suit that looks exactly like a morph between your crush and Whoopi Goldberg. You deserve it.
9. College is short. Don’t waste it by focusing only on your future career goals and not pursuing your passions. Waste it by filming, directing, and starring in a shot-for-shot remake of the Human Centipede 2.
10. Dating is hard. Even though it seems like you might end up alone, it is never too early to settle. If you’re going to spend your adult life miserable anyway, just lower your standards now and marry the first person to show you any attention.
11. The friendships you make at college will last a lifetime. You can never get rid of these people. So be careful who you talk to or you might just be stuck with the next Ted Cruz for the rest of your/his life, whichever ends first (probably yours).
12. Rules were made to be broken. Cut class when you need really a break from schoolwork. Get a little crazy on Friday night after a week of hard work. Commit a crime against humanity or two. Don’t let the MAN keep you down.
13. You will meet people from all different backgrounds who have different perspectives than you. College is a great place to learn from others and get exposed to a viewpoint that you otherwise wouldn’t have thought of. Do not let this happen. If you wanted to be open minded, you would already be by now. Hide from these ideas and try to censor them.
