Word on the street is there are two new residential colleges in the works. Perhaps you’ve seen the e-mail from President Salovey soliciting suggestions for new names. That’s right, the power is in your hands to pick the name of a future Yale establishment. Or rather, the power is in your hands to make a suggestion, which the trustees will then consider. Power to the people!
For your consideration, I’m offering these six potential candidates.
1. Charles Montgomery Burns College.
We’ve had Yalie presidents, senators, and governors, but Burns is the only Yalie in line to take over from Satan. (Arguably.)
Bar none my favorite Yale alum. Everyone gets all fired up about the fact that Rory Gilmore went to Yale, but color me indifferent. I consistently got Gilmore Girls and Gossip Girl confused until I came to school here. Burns from The Simpsons is iconic. He’s ruthless and brutally honest and always well dressed. Burns doesn’t take anybody’s crap, and he’s incredibly successful. Imagine the IM victories.
Take note, Econ majors.
2. Anderson Cooper College. So, yes, the majority of these colleges are named after white men already. And, yeah, the Vanderbilt family probably (definitely) does not need another building. There’s already Vanderbilt Hall and, y’know, Vanderbilt University. I’m proposing Anderson Cooper College for one reason: to have a college whose mascot is the Silver Fox.
Anderson is just as excited as I am.
3. G-Heav College. For many, Gourmet Heaven is a source of late-night munchies in the form of dumplings and breakfast sandwiches. It is also the only place that sells my favorite cereal, which is equally significant. While Gourmet Heaven’s time with us is quickly approaching its end, in theory these residential colleges will stick around for a while. Just build the new college (yes, I know there are already “plans” drawn up by “architects”) around G-Heav and turn it into the dining hall. Inevitably, Yale would probably close the dining hall to transfers, leading to revolt.
Hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wife, hide yo’ reprehensible business practices
4. Hufflepuff College. How many admission office tours, Instagram captions, and Harry Potter enthusiasts have likened Yale to Hogwarts? Too damn many. If Yale were to build a Gryffindor, Slytherin, or even a Ravenclaw College, you would get nothing but jaded upperclassmen who always dreamed of going to Hogwarts and missed out on this opportunity. But Hufflepuff? It’s just so lovably dopey. It’s like the Calhoun of Hogwarts. I can’t imagine any overly involved parents calling Yale to make sure their incoming freshman is in Hufflepuff.
Too bad he won’t be able to hear you over the sound of his raucous laughter (LOL HUFFLEPUFF)
5. Sasha the TD Dog College. If there’s a cool kid on Yale’s campus, it’s this dog. Sasha, a Samoyed, enchants every single person who has the honor of meeting her. The new college could even be built next to TD, forsaking convenience and logic in order to stay loyal to its roots.
Not Sasha, but the point remains: How callous do you have to be to not think these dogs are adorable?
6. Peter Salovey’s Moustache College. What’s that you say? We at the Boola think too highly of this moustache? It doesn’t deserve an entire residential college? You are objectively wrong. Imagine that facial hair immortalized as a statue in the college’s courtyard. It would be far more aesthetically pleasing than Morse’s lipstick/tank.
#sorrynotsorry