What I Would Turn Down For

In their inaugural duet “Turn down for what,” urban poets Lil Jon and DJ Snake repeatedly ask the titular question: turn down for what?

Turning down is defined as sobering up or generally calming down from a frenzied, likely drug or alcohol infused state. In the song, the question of whether or not to do so seems rhetorical – why on earth turn down when there’s another round of shots to be had? Excellent point, Mr. Jon and Mr. Snake, particularly if they’re fruit-flavored rum shots.

my body is ready

Me and fruit-flavored rum shots.

However, as someone whose ratio of turnt up-itude to turnt down-ness is typically pretty low, I’d like to offer an alternative view. There are many things for which turning down is worthwhile (figuring out how to phrase that sentence being one of them). Here are just a few.

because naps

i wanna nap

Me too, kid. Me too.

because bedtime


Sorry not sorry, my bed is more interesting than your party.

because my head has started spinning

woody head spin

Maybe not quite like this, but it feels like it, dammit.

because I just threw up and no I won’t rally, leave me alone

bye felicia

Bye, Felicia.

because I have a lot of homework

spongebob homework

Don’t test my determination please, it’s rare enough as it is.

because the only alcohol here is popov vodka and forget that

Never again.

Never again.

because there aren’t any cute people here



because my tinder match clearly didn’t show up

And you just lost your chance, tinder match #72.

And you just lost your chance, tinder match #72.

because I think my tinder match catfished me??



because I want to be functional tomorrow morning

Yeah okay let's not get ahead of ourselves, but it's a start.

Yeah okay let’s not get ahead of ourselves Paris, but it’s a start.

because my crush usually eats brunch at 11 and I want to be there looking nice

before 11

That’s much more reasonable.

because the main spring fling performance sucks

Not impressed, T-Pain. Not impressed.

Not impressed, T-Pain. Not impressed.

because I’m thiiiiiiis close to a high score on flappy bird

no ragrets

And it was a night well spent, thanks.

because I just got a netflix account

excitement stewie

Bye productivity!

because the music here sucks

Judging. You.

Judging you and your playlist.

because I already took my bra off

And hell no it's not going back on.

And hell no it’s not going back on.

because I’m already in pajamas

And this will be me in 3..2..1...

And this will be me in 3..2..1…

because none of my presentable clothes are clean

woody looking good

But I’d roll all up into a naked party like…

because I just ate a lot and I have a food baby

pig cookie

Just put the solo cup next to my bed and leave me alone.

because Netflix just acquired Game of Thrones

Hallelujah to Jesus indeed!


because I’m notoriously bad at knowing my limits

no limits

because I forgot to feed my beta fish again


RIP Paul 🙁

because someone really cool is doing an Ask Me Anything on reddit


Or re-reading Robin Williams’ :'(

because Yorkside is already closed


And where will I get my drunk mozzarella sticks, huh?

because cover charges hurt me

jlaw sad

Must you call out my fake ID, Toad’s?

because the countertops of this frat house are sticky

Par for the course.

Par for the course.

because the floor of this frat house is sticky

I mean, okay..

I mean, okay…

because is that thing in this frat house toilet alive?

Judging. You.

Judging you again.

because I’m out of clean underwear

Judging. You.

Judging me 🙁

So there you have it. Your move, Lil Jon/DJ Snake. I look forward to your next single, “Nah man, just…look, the new season of Orange is the New Black is out, just…just, no…”