You and me baby ain’t nothin’ but mammals, so let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel. Indeed, Yale is full of young mammals, many of them interested in doing it like they do on the Discovery Channel.
Just tell me when and where, George Michael.
Unfortunately, over the course of your college career, you may find yourself not the sexiler, but the sexiled. Hopefully you have a game plan for where to go from there. But in case you don’t, we’ve got you covered.
Cuz this bed’s a-rocking.
1. If you don’t already have an emergency sexile kit in your common room, create a makeshift bindle. Fill it with any food (e.g. mixed nuts or granola bars for sustenance) and clothing you might need to take with you.
Sexiled Trumbullian, c. 1931, Yale College
2. Construct a sad, homeless Snapchat story to garner pity. Be sure to use the filter that includes the temperature.
5 degrees, Snapchat? Pretty sure it’s at least -20.
3. Have a coffee maker? Your roommate and his/her partner will appreciate the energy boost. Perfect way to give a little pep in the step for the walk of shame. (Or stride of pride, whichever you prefer.)
Note: No need for this. Just leave coffee in common room with note before you leave.
4. Seek lodgings for the long night.
A similar scenario.
5. In theory, you could just stay on a friend’s futon.
6. But better yet, use this opportunity to make new friends in your college. Knock on any old random door and ask to crash on the floor. Bam, new friend made.
Pictured: Proper way to greet new best friend when he or she answers door.
7. Or sleep in the laundry room, if you’re truly desperate and don’t want to interact with anyone. Let the rumble of the washing machines rock you to sleep.
Curl up in someone’s freshly dried clothes for warmth.
8. Text, email, and Facebook message your roommate this image. Slide one under the door for good measure.
Leave room for Jesus.
9. Take up a new hobby, like knitting or whittling. At the end of the night, you won’t feel any resentment toward your roommate. You’ll be too busy marveling at your kickass new winter hat or walking stick.
Though this may be a more realistic result.
10. Attend one of Yale’s many shows, sporting events, guest lectures, etc. Do you know how much you’re paying just to be here? Every eBill Notification is a reminder of the time you’re a-wasting.
Good-bye forever, tuition.
11. Sexile someone else.
That, kids, is the circle of life.