Yalies, you need the universe on your side this fall. How will you navigate the confusion of midterms, changing weather, and new people without an abstract cosmic entity telling you what to do? Here’s what the stars have in store for you.
Aries (March 21-April 19): It’s hard being seen as the baby of the group. Convince your friends you’re mature by dyeing your hair gray and complaining about diversity!
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Plot twist—post-shopping period CS50 involves a lot less cake and a lot more crying. Help combat the comp sci craziness by forming a study group or descending into despair, dropping out of Yale and fleeing the country.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Fall is the perfect time to harness the powers of the supernatural. Dust off your spellbooks and get ready for some ritualistic animal sacrifice! 🙂
Cancer (June 21-July 22): As you sit alone in your room with no one but Netflix, remember that Emily Dickinson was a recluse and is now famous and respected. That won’t happen to you, but keep telling yourself that as you hit “Next Episode.”
Leo (July 23-August 22): Remember that crazy dream from last night? It’s not real. None of this is real. Oh god, where am I?
Virgo (August 23-September 22): “Spooky” may be your middle name, but in the real world, it happens to be spelled G-E-R-A-L-D-I-N-E.
Libra (September 23-October 22): There’s no better time than the fall of your senior year to change your major! Goodbye, Applied Physics, hello, East Asian studies!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Everyone knows that you’re the Voldemort of the Zodiac, and this month, it’s truer than ever! As Mercury rises, so will the numbers of your demonic cult. Make sure to bring extra snacks to Tuesday’s meeting.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Things are looking up—especially your cholesterol. Lay off the dining hall cookies, compadre.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): On the 21st, a stranger named George will pass out on your doorstep. Be kind to him. Charlie just left—he’s been having a rough time.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Don’t settle down just yet—there are so many experiences you haven’t had, like skydiving, or contracting MRSA!
Pisces (February 19-March 20): Get inspired by the blood moon! Nothing says “I love you” like giving your SO a love letter written in blood. Or, y’know, flowers work too.