How to Prepare Yourself for the Presidential Election

Buckle up, bitches! The hell-ection is here!

Is the anxiety of this looming presidential election getting you down? Are you unhappy with one or all of the current presidential candidates? Do you keep telling yourself “I’m literally going to move to Canada if *this candidate* wins” even though we all know you’re too damn lazy to actually follow through with that? Have no fear! Follow these steps to turning that frown upside down as doomsday—I mean, November 8 approaches.


1. Cry a little bit (or a lot) and eat some ice cream. Let it all out, and then fill your void with sugar. Just as ice cream can momentarily mend a broken heart after a break-up, it will help you to momentarily forget about the potential demise of our country. (1 carton of Ben & Jerry’s = 1 Durfee swipe, F.Y.I.)


2. Pinch yourself. Unfortunately, this is not a dream. Or more appropriately—a nightmare. It’s time to let go of your blankie and accept the truth. This is what happens when society becomes a little too comfortable with watching reality television and mistakes one of the most important symbols of democracy for one massive, entertaining joke. Oh, America! Got us again with your humor.


3. Breathe. Try to maintain your composure, and do NOT do anything drastic. Don’t let your emotions get the best of you and lead you to make questionable decisions. For example, do not buy heavy artillery weapons. There will not be Civil War. Everyone knows that if anything were to happen, it would be nuclear. Weapons wouldn’t be any help, obviously.


4. Carve out some time from your sulking to help out the youth. Try to remind the younger generations that this is not how all presidential elections and candidates used to be. Let them know that technological scandals and offensive language are most definitely NOT the norm and in fact, are quite atrocious for White House prospectives; in the good ol’ days, there were only allegations of voting fraud and sex scandals. Now, that was normal. We can only hope we can someday return to those wholesome traditions. Miss you, Bill.


5. Learn to be less sensitive. Come on guys, obviously we—the moral, trusting citizens of the United States—are the problem. We are way too politically correct. We all need to lighten up and shake off the horrendously offensive comments that are consistently thrown in our faces from the people in political positions of power. They are powerful; ergo, they are always right, and they never lie. I mean, come on, Trump even told us that himself. There is no one who respects women more than he does.


6. Instead of letting this election turn into an anxiety-building waiting game, make it into a drinking game! Every time a state lights up with your opposing party’s color, take a shot. Or 7. However many you need to numb your pain. This wouldn’t be the first time a once highly respected event was turned into an entertaining evening of nonsensical conversation and childish humor! How funny!


Warning: This next step is less humorous.

7. Vote. Pretty please, with Michelle Obama and cherries on top—just vote. This is the best, most-guaranteed activity to alleviate your election stress. Even if you’re not a fan of any of the candidates—swallow your pride, do a little research, trust your morals, and just VOTE! And please try to make it count! Remember: you’re voting for who is the most experienced and well-prepared to run a COUNTRY, not for who you’d have the most entertaining lunch date with. You have the right to vote for a reason, so don’t sit at home on your ass and do nothing with it.  Support democracy. ‘Merica!!!


I know this is a stressful and frightening time for anyone in America who knows how to tie their shoes, and I know the reality of what could actually happen is slowly starting to hit you. Try to remind yourself that if this is your first presidential election—as it is for me—that four years from now there might not even be an election because democracy will no longer exist, so there’s no need to worry. We’ll forget about all this anxiety when we’re living in a post-apocalyptic, dystopian society and fighting for our lives. Try to muster up enough faith to know that we will get through this—one vote and one drink at a time. But just in case, here’s a link for a chance to win one-way tickets to Canada: