Thanksgiving break is upon us, and we know you’re dreading awkward confrontations with the kind of extended family that only seems to show up during the holidays and presumably spends the rest of the year in the Upside Down (Where they’re from, because they’re so weird. See what I did there? Laugh. Please laugh.). But hey, this is the year of upsets! If Yale can beat Harvard, you can somehow avoid these seemingly inevitable moments of pure embarrassment. Here’s how!
Every time your nosy uncle asks whether you’ve made post-grad plans yet, let out a terrifying, inhuman screech so he knows it’s a touchy topic. You shouldn’t have to go through an existential crisis every time you make eye contact with him over the mashed potatoes.
When your cousin who’s known chiefly for her inflammatory Facebook posts asks you about your opinion on the election, literally release a live bald eagle into the dining room. Your family will be too impressed at your display of patriotism to question you any further.
(This next one requires that you have minimal Game of Thrones knowledge. I’m sorry if that’s not relatable to you.)
During awkward silences, gently hum “The Rains of Castamere” and make uncomfortable eye contact with everyone at the table. They’ll be too worried that you’re planning a Red Wedding-style mealtime attack to notice that despite being family, you actually have no common interests.
If your grandma insists on asking whether you’ve “found someone” like she does every year, respond with something ridiculously positive and clichéd, like “Yes, Grandma—myself” or “Wasn’t the real ‘someone’ the friends we made along the way?” She’ll be too disgusted with your weak imitation of the protagonist of Eat Pray Love to continue the conversation.
When your mom realizes she forgot to buy yams, or eggnog, or some other equally festive food item, offer to go to the grocery store and then just hop on a plane back to Connecticut. Your depressingly empty dorm room in New Haven might actually be a healthier environment than this mess of a family dinner.
These tips should be enough to make your Thanksgiving meal as interesting as it’s ever been! We take no responsibility for injuries sustained or relationships destroyed. Happy holidays, everybody!