Haikus for Harvard

Probably the worst “telling-someone-I-go-to-Yale” moment was when the person I told turned around and said to the nearby people I didn’t know, “This girl, she’s going to Harvard!” I had literally just told her I was going to Yale, the big Y, the school with an actual mascot. But nope, Harvard. For some reason the general populace of the United States seems to revere Harvard above all other educational institutions as the symbol of success.

I shouldn’t need to explain why Yale is superior to Harvard in pretty much every way, but because of the gross misconceptions of the general public, I’m going to clarify what makes Yale better. To assist me, I’m going to use fitting quotations from Milton.

“At whose sight all the stars/Hide their diminish’d heads.”
Yale vs. Harvard: “To compare/Great things with small.”


1. We have beautiful non-red-brick buildings. Literally all of Harvard is red brick. Is the crimson coloring compensation for not having a tangible mascot?

2. Our door locks don’t say our worst enemy’s name on them. Seriously though, if Yale locks had “Harvard” on them I have no doubts us students would rise up in a surge of fury and remove them on grounds of profaning public property.

“That golden key/That opes the palace of eternity.”

3. We can actually party (Harvard people travel far and wide to have a good time) and we have Woad’s.

“Midnight shout and revelry,/Tipsy dance and jollity.”

4. USA today named Yale #1 educational institution over Harvard (which was listed #3 and #5 on two lists placing Yale at #1 from College Factual/USA Today)

“Which, if not victory, is yet revenge.”

5. Yalies are an attractive bunch. When I came to Yale for the first time during Bulldog Days, my parents asked me if people at Yale were hot (I’m not kidding). I told them that when deciding between two applicants of equal merit, the deciding factor for the Office of Undergraduate Admissions must be attractiveness. I have since changed my position on the matter since talking to people in admissions, but the fact remains that people at Yale are aesthetically pleasing.

How Harvard people pick up girls. “So spake the grisly Terror.”

6. We have an adorable bulldog, Handsome Dan, as our mascot. Nothing comes up when you Google “Harvard Mascot.” Googling Yale Mascot brings up image upon image of adorable bulldogs. There’s simply no contest.

“The sum of earthly bliss.”

7. Our motto is better: “Lux et Veritas” instead of just “Veritas.”

While we have light (Lux), Harvard has cold red flame… “Yet from those flames/No light, but rather darkness visible.”

But don’t let me remind you why Yale is the best university. Get your pride revved up by the following collection of haikus on the subject of Harvard.

Today’s the big day
Harvard falls on its own face
Yale wins Harvard sucks.

-Wei Li

Harvard, what can be
Said about you that hasn’t
About a dead cat

It’s synonymous
With feces. But not really
Cause Harvard ain’t shit

-J Joseph

Bulldogs are so cute
John Harvard is creepy ew
Handsome Dan beats you

-Sara Tabin

What do I call you?
Crimsonites? Harvardians?
How ’bout “pretentious?”

You have U.S. news
OKCupid’s rankings show
We are too damn hot

You call it crimson?
Oh my God, it’s fucking red
–By Project Runway

-Arturo Pineda

We are called Yalies.
What do you call Harvard kids?
Jk no one cares.

-Lindsey Combs

Harvard really sucks
More than heartbreak or wet socks
or midterm season

-Peter Huang

Harvard is not Yale
Harvard needs must always fail
Harvard goes to jail

-Henry Robinson

I know somebody
who is a giant asshole.
Guess what school he’s at

-Caroline Kuritzkes & Layla Treuhaft-Ali

Harvard really stinks
They will lose The Game this year
Bulldogs always win

-Andrew Bean

If you (somehow) don’t feel inspired by these haikus, write your own and send them to me at or post them in the comments. I’ll add them to the menagerie above. “See golden days, fruitful of golden deeds,/With joy and love triumphing.” Boola Boola.