Life as a single person on Valentine’s Day can be tough. It’s hard not to be bitter when the implication of this holiday is that if you’re not currently paired off with the human of your dreams, there’s something wrong with you. That being said, it’s kind of ridiculous that college kids worry so much about their romantic lives at this age. You shouldn’t have to worry about dying alone in your NYC apartment and being eaten by your cats until you’re at least 25.
So, this February, whether you’re happily single or desperately propositioning every mildly attractive person in your English seminar, revel in the fact that you don’t have to spend your hard-earned money on overpriced Hallmark cards and celebrate in ways that only your independent, single self could appreciate!
1) Burn effigies of all the happy couples you know.
We all know at least one of the couples I’m referencing. They’ve been together since high school, look adorable together, and seem to be totally comfortable and in love with each other. Those assholes. The only proper way to show your bitter resentment towards these freaks of nature is to hold a burning party with your other single friends on the Green.
2) Send elementary school style Valentines to your friends (or strangers—we won’t judge).
Let’s be honest—this was the highlight of everyone’s elementary school experience. There’s no reason we can’t continue this magical tradition of cutesy card exchanges. Let your suitemates and friends know that you appreciate them, and inform the cute girl across the hall that “Wow you can’t give her a valentine girls have COOTIES and that would be GROSS.” Your crush will be falling at your feet in no time.
3) Write self-insert period romance fanfiction about you and your celebrity crushes.
As Thomas Jefferson wrote, if you can’t have love in your life, it is your inalienable right to pathetically fantasize about it. Would you rather live in this world, where you have three midterms and an essay due next week, or a world where a young Johnny Depp is wearing a cravat and taking you on scandalous horseback rides through the countryside? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
4) Watch movies that will give you unrealistic expectations about your love life while you sob into a full pint of ice cream.
This one is a classic, but it’s worth mentioning. Be wary, though—finding the right ice-cream/movie combo is essential. Casablanca and mint chocolate chip will inspire angry, hopeless tears while 50 First Dates and cherry Garcia will give you something more cathartic and uplifting.
5) Gorge yourself on candy the day after and slowly descend into a spiral of self-hatred and loneliness.
Perfect for the single Yalie on a budget! Day-after Valentine’s candy sales are legendary for a reason. Scrounge among the leftovers of people who, just the day before, were happily purchasing sweets for their significant others and try to ignore your own impending spinsterhood. Hershey’s kisses can solve any problem, including your own glaring inadequacies and repulsive personality.
(In all seriousness, guys, we here at The Boola firmly believe that being single on Valentine’s Day isn’t even close to being the end of the world. Spend this time focusing on yourself, your goals, and your platonic/familial relationships—they’re just as important as the romantic ones!)