As the world literally falls apart around us, there’s no better time for you to use the Zodiac as a way to guide all your major life decisions. Might as well trust a stranger on the internet when the Earth is dying and you’ve failed all your midterms, right? On that note, here are The Boola’s 2017 Fall Horoscopes!
Aries- If you’re waiting for a sign to start a project you’ve been interested in, there’s no time like the present! The present is, in fact, the worst time of all the times. No time compares in sheer horribleness to the present.
Taurus- It might be unseasonably warm this fall b/c global warming, but don’t let that stop you from accessing your coziest form! She’s waiting for you deep in the woods, wearing multiple layers and sipping hot chocolate in front of a roaring fire. Don’t keep her waiting.
Gemini- Two faced snakes like you have been thriving this year, Gemini. I’m not going to give you any advice because you’re doing well enough without it.
Cancer- As the clear Sad Boy™ of the Zodiac, be sure to upgrade your s o f t aesthetic for the new season! Try writing sad poetry in Bass or playing weird acoustic guitar music on Cross Campus for prime results, and you might even get featured on the Sad Yale Boys instagram!
Leo- You’ve always been known for your Holiday Spirit– don’t let the haters curb your enthusiasm! If your friends think it’s weird that you’ve colored yourself orange to “feel closer to the pumpkins,” it sounds like their problem.
Virgo- Remember to practice self-care this fall! Do a face mask! Drink some green tea! Drop out of school and move across the country to become a potato farmer! Treat yourself!
Libra- The next time that annoying film major in your English class mocks you for not having seen Fight Club or Psycho or whatever, send them an exhaustive list of reasons that Hocus Pocus is the most influential film of the 21st century and watch their heads explode.
Scorpio- Let your loved ones know you care about them by not using them as sacrifices in your coven’s next blood ritual. If they demand anything else from you for the holidays, they’re being a little demanding, don’t you think?
Sagittarius- If you feel like your friends haven’t been feeling sorry enough for you, wear five Canada Goose jackets one on top of each other and walk around demanding empathy from your middle class friends. Your friends made fun of you for refusing to buy used textbooks; you have real problems too!
Capricorn- We all know you’re determined to succeed, but it’s clear you need to change your techniques. This fall, consider emulating some of the most powerful people in this country by degrading women, ignoring natural disaster victims, and calling Nazis “fine people”! You’ll be rich and important in no time!
Aquarius- I know you’re worried about getting Halloween Show tickets, but holding your friend from YSO hostage until they reserve you a ticket MIGHT be overkill. Just think about it carefully, that’s all I’m saying.
Pisces- It’s been a tough school year so far, but it’s a little early to be hearing the call of the void. I suggest waiting until at least finals season to launch yourself into the infinite emptiness of space.